Monday, May 05, 2008

UFO Celebrity Death Match - Results!

Here are the results from last night's UFO Celebrity Death Match extravaganza, which Greg Bishop and I called live for the UFO Radio Network, aka Radio Misterioso, which can be heard every Sunday evening from Midnight to 2 am AST on Kill Radio.

Match #1
Wild Bill Cooper vs. Marshall Applewhite: Cooper won this match, and the vacant World UFO Title belt, after Applewhite committed suicide just as the bout was about to start. Unfortunately, Cooper then opened fire on security personnel, and after a prolonged gun battle was killed. The Title belt was declared vacant again, and a series of elimination bouts ensued.

Elimination Bout #1
Nick Redfern vs. Mac Tonnies - Redfern won after he dragged Tonnies to a mosh pit and kicked his ass, punk rock style.

Elimination Bout #2
Art Bell vs. George Noory - Bell took this bout by default, as Noory couldn’t make it through the throng of angry Bell fans that had surrounded the arena.

Elimiation Bout #3
Bill Birnes vs. Stuart Miller - Birnes took this match of UFO-related magazine publishers. Despite the fact that Stuart was persistent, and kept getting up after being knocked down, Birnes just played dirtier and dirtier, until he finally managed to use a set of brass knuckles masquerading as reverse-engineered alien technology to knock Miller out.

Elimination Bout #4
Kevin Randle vs. Don Ecker - Randle took this prolonged battle of military vets, using some new weapons hidden at ringside that he had acquired while serving in Iraq.

Elimination Bout #5
Kal K. Korff vs. Michael Horn - This was a classic between two people who have no grasp on reality: Horn, the most ardent defender of the Billy Meier hoax, and Korff, the most ardent opponent (i.e. the only person who still cares). Korff ultimately used his size advantage (physical and ego) and some outside interference from his Israeli super-spy buddies to get the duke over Horn… who then proceeded to claim that his defeat was proof that the Meier case was real.

Elimination Bout #6
Tim Binnall vs. Jeremy Vaeni - Binnall took this return bout between podcast hots (Binnall torched Vaeni in the 2007 Zorgy Award voting) after an amusing battle that saw Binnall enlist the aid of some transvestites. After the battle, Vaeni retired to the nearest hot tub.

Elimination Bout #7
Stanton T. Friedman vs. Seth Shostak - The cagey veteran Friedman pinned Shostak, who came to the ring dressed as a Sleestak from Land of the Lost, after he polled the pro-Friedman crowd and obtained a 70% approval rating versus 30% for Shostak.

Elimination Bout #8
Steven Greer vs. Reality - This was perhaps the most exciting match of the night. Reality had a big advantage going in, but Greer slowly but surely undermined Reality at every turn, until Reality started to lose confidence in itself. It was at that point that Greer pulled out an alien baby, which used some strange foreign substance to stun Reality, which Greer followed with his patented “Disclosure Bomb” for the pin.

After this match, Greer easily defeated the other elimination bout winners in a battle royal, with Nick Redfern being the final contender to be eliminated over the top rope, to be declared the winner…

But then, just as he was about to accept the Title belt, Cooper and Applewhite returned as Zombies in an unholy alliance to challenge Greer to a handicapped match. Greer, perhaps cocky after his defeat of Reality, accepted, and the Zombies entered the ring. Greer immediately took both Zombies in his hands and lifted them over his head, in preparation for the delivery of The Disclosure Bomb. At this point, the Zombies Cooper and Applewhite revealed their devious plan - they had allowed Greer to lift them over his head, which positioned them perfectly to chomp into his BRAINS! As Greer spun them around, they struck… only to find that Greer had no BRAINS!!!

The stunned Zombies were then disposed of by the patented Disclosure Bomb, and Greer was declared undisputed Celebrity UFO Death Match world champion.

Paul Kimball


Anonymous said...

What about Dolan vs. Kimball? Both contestants occupy research tables at the National Archives until one either falls asleep, drooling on the MJ-12 documents, or passes out from sneezing at all the dust! Or maybe a drinking contest... take a swig of Molson every time someone says "extra-terrestrial hypothesis" and last one standing wins!

Vince Ditchkus said...

Damn, Damn and Damn. I knew this would be good and I was sleeping - Waaaah!! Oh well, your synopsis of the battles is hilarious!! But, um, er, well, how do I say this? I see no mention of the "Halifax's Lord Humungus" vs. DC's "X-O Politco Avenger" steel-cage match.
(OK, that was a cheap shot, but this **is** professional wrasslin' no?) - Cheers, Vince...

Paul Kimball said...

As the announcers, Greg and I felt it would be inappropriate to participate ourselves. After all, we had to remain neutral. ;-)

That said, I would have kicked Bassett's ass easily (just after he slapped it). Dolan would have been a trickier proposition, but I think in the end, as a Red Sox fan, I would have pulled it out (Dolan is a Yankees fan), using my patented "What Have You Done For Me Lately" finisher move.